Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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