Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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