Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
