Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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