if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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