found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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