I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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