is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
