He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
