Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
