How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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