smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
