im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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