Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
what day is it and did you see me today?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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