you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
