I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
