My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
