girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.