he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
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You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My day in three words: secret purse cake
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?