My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space