remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
23 Times Kids Said the Harshest Things
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
21 Rich People Confess The Best And Worst Things About Being Wealthy
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is