Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.