I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
