Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
