What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
