I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Mom said you looked used
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
