I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
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its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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