Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
