I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
