There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
