Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
