Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
