Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
