Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
do nipples grow back?
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