I just pynch a tree in the face
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
