One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
