Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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