just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
