3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
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found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
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Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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