I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
