does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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