one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
