The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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