I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
