I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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