I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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