just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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