Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
