if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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