Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
