If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
