my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
