matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
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As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
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I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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