I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
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Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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