So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
