I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
