I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
