Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
are you so shy because you have an std?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Pants are for mortals
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