I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
