I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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