i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
