I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry about my life...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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